The dreaded friend-zone is akin to quicksand.
The more you try to escape it’s grasp, the more you sink into a seemingly inescapable tug of emotion and desire.
In addition, friend-zones can feel draining as you may continue to give of yourself, unconditionally, yet it may feel like you are being taken for granted. Ouch!
The friend-zone can be defined as a friendship between two people characterized by one person having “secret feelings”, often suppressed, for the other person. The friend-zoned person tends to harbor a mixture of awe, fear of rejection, and vacillating resentment towards their object of affection for not being able to magically read their minds.
But, what if I told you there is hope my dear dreamer? What if I told you that there is not only a way to get out of this zone, but to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Yes, there is always bright sun light on the other side of rain clouds (hehe).
Allow us to venture into a new zone, the Action Zone! Here are the important questions you must ask yourself, with pure honesty, to transcend this zone and practical tips to get you enlightened. Please keep an open mind, and as a disclaimer, know that I will be brutally honest-so put on thick skin my fellow dreamers.
1. Do You Know What You Want?
This is perhaps the last thing you are thinking about right now! But hear me out. Being friendzoned can easily be the manifestation of you not knowing what you want, while also projecting a need onto someone whom you are infatuated with. What are your requirements? What are your needs? What are your wants? When you know what you want, then in the face of rejection it won’t feel as bad! You will simply return to the pond with your fishing rod and look for more fish in the sea. Easier said than done, but it can be done.
You may not know what you want, but you do know what you don’t want!
Before blogging about this subject, I did read some other articles and posts on escaping the friendzone; but a lot of the information was very superficial and a band-aid, so to speak, for the deeper issue. You must go back to the drawing board and re-think your strategy! Only insane people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results!
Practical Tip-Figure out what you want and decide if this person even fits the criteria. Don’t try to change them to fit your fantasy, this will only scare them away and dig you even deeper in the friendzone. Get comfortable with communicating your needs, as this will be important in a serious relationship anyway, so get a head start.
2. Are You Being Assertive?
Assertiveness is not a synonym for ass-hole. No one is asking you to be pushy as this can be seen by some as rude and even desperate. Again, after you have really put thought into what you want, now you need to communicate effectively your needs. Do you want to be in a relationship where physical contact is common? Try sending the message by taking action and engaging in physical contact. Or, perhaps you need to take action by setting a date, and communicating your emotions.
Worst case scenario, the person is not interested. But, you can take your list of needs and wants and move on to someone else. No sense in crying over spilled milk. In singles and dating coaching sessions, I usually have to help people not only identify what they want-but be brave enough to go for it! Here is another blog post on being a balanced dater that really seems to paint a good picture.
Remember, rejection is an illusion as we don’t really reject people but we reject our own perceptions and mis-conceptions of people, thus we are only rejecting an aspect of our own consciousness. So don’t take it so personally! In reality, they are only rejecting a facet of their own subjective world.
Practical Tip-If you are too afraid to speak to the person, try a heartfelt email or letter. Try to give actual reasons why you like them and ask them if they want to go out on a date-not “hey, wanna get married and have my twenty-sumthin’ kids?”
3. Does The Object Of Your Affection Want To Date?
Confession. I have not only been friendzoned, but I have friendzoned people before as well. But why did I do it? Personally, it was not because I did not think the person was not attractive, it was not for lack of chemistry, and it was not even for distance. I friendzoned innocent souls because at that time in my life I did not want to be in a relationship! I was just coming out of a semi-serious relationship, and I was addicted to the freedom of the single life! (Why am I using so many exclamation marks? Eh, just roll with it.)
Thus, anyone who was attracted to me ain’t have nothing coming their way. In other words, you being in the friendzone may be because the person does not want a relationship! Plain and simple. Have a discussion about it and maybe give them some space.
Practical Tip-Own your single-hood. Be at peace in your singleness and don’t use someone else to fulfill yourself. Be complete alone, or you will never be complete at all-even in a relationship. I promise.
4. Why Is The Universe Reflecting This Back To You?
We can say God, Karma (Sanskrit for action), The Universe or Creation, and even for the skeptics, functional reality; essentially, what are you doing unconsciously to attract this into your life? Do you have a fear of rejection? Do you believe deep down that it is not possible to get your needs met? Relationships reflect your internal state of being for personal discovery.
It is possible to discover your self-limiting beliefs with help but it is a process for those who are brave enough to look deep into their soul. Sadly enough, many never uproot their deep beliefs around dating and continue to attract the same type of partner over and over again.
Just Google “How to overcome self-limiting beliefs” to be inundated with ways to combat these hidden traps in your own unconscious mind.
Practical Tip-Use your spiritual background and community. Pray about it, meditate, go within and listen to your intuition. Whatever you do, don’t force romance that isn’t truly there. You are worth so much more.
5. Are You Inserting People Into Your Fantasies?
Hollywood and Disney always give you this happy ending story where the guy or gal runs up to their love interest, and are just kissed ever so passionately. No questions. No arguments. No awkwardness. Essentially, a lot of people seem to fantasize about being with someone and feel that if they fantasize “hard” enough that the person will just feel the gravitational pull of their fantasy and fall head over heels/or sneakers for them.
And then reality smacks in harder than Bruce Lee’s dragon kick.
There is nothing wrong with a crush, or liking someone. But try to monitor you fantasies and decide if you will take action. When you are daydreaming, try asking yourself if the person would even want to be in this fantasy. By the way, that’s what dates are for, to find common ground in desire 🙂 Keeping track of your mind-wander lust will help you move on so then you won’t have to worry about being a “chronic friendzonee”
Practical Tip-The next time you are fantasizing, ask yourself what practical steps can you take to make the fantasy real? Write them down and take an action, but always take another persons feelings into consideration. Just because you insert someone into a fantasy does not mean they want what you want-be courteous!
Is It Really That Bad?
Alright, well I know some of this was surely tough love, but a nice push will get a fire in your belly and help you get out, and stay out of the friendzone. But, remember that the friendzone does not always need to be a bad thing. Try to communicate how you feel in a safe environment, with no expectations. Being friends can sometimes be a lot better because commitment is a big responsibility. I wish you well in your mission! Take action and practice unconditional love always!
Feel free to leave comments and more advice that has worked for you. Peace and Love!
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-Coach London Holt!
Conscious Relationship Advice for Singles and Dating 