(Friendzoned!) How To Get Out Of The Dreaded Friendzone, And Stay Out!

The dreaded friend-zone is akin to quicksand.

The more you try to escape it’s grasp, the more you sink into a seemingly inescapable tug of emotion and desire.

In addition, friend-zones can feel draining as you may continue to give of yourself, unconditionally, yet it may feel like you are being taken for granted. Ouch!

The friend-zone can be defined as a friendship between two people characterized by one person having “secret feelings”, often suppressed, for the other person. The friend-zoned person tends to harbor a mixture of awe, fear of rejection, and vacillating resentment towards their object of affection for not being able to magically read their minds.

But, what if I told you there is hope my dear dreamer? What if I told you that there is not only a way to get out of this zone, but to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Yes, there is always bright sun light on the other side of rain clouds (hehe).

Allow us to venture into a new zone, the Action Zone! Here are the important questions you must ask yourself, with pure honesty, to transcend this zone and practical tips to get you enlightened. Please keep an open mind, and as a disclaimer, know that I will be brutally honest-so put on thick skin my fellow dreamers.

1. Do You Know What You Want?

This is perhaps the last thing you are thinking about right now! But hear me out. Being friendzoned can easily be the manifestation of you not knowing what you want, while also projecting a need onto someone whom you are infatuated with. What are your requirements? What are your needs? What are your wants? When you know what you want, then in the face of rejection it won’t feel as bad! You will simply return to the pond with your fishing rod and look for more fish in the sea. Easier said than done, but it can be done.

You may not know what you want, but you do know what you don’t want!

Before blogging about this subject, I did read some other articles and posts on escaping the friendzone; but a lot of the information was very superficial and a band-aid, so to speak, for the deeper issue. You must go back to the drawing board and re-think your strategy! Only insane people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results!

Practical Tip-Figure out what you want and decide if this person even fits the criteria. Don’t try to change them to fit your fantasy, this will only scare them away and dig you even deeper in the friendzone. Get comfortable with communicating your needs, as this will be important in a serious relationship anyway, so get a head start.

2. Are You Being Assertive?

Assertiveness is not a synonym for ass-hole. No one is asking you to be pushy as this can be seen by some as rude and even desperate. Again, after you have really put thought into what you want, now you need to communicate effectively your needs. Do you want to be in a relationship where physical contact is common? Try sending the message by taking action and engaging in physical contact. Or, perhaps you need to take action by setting a date, and communicating your emotions.

Worst case scenario, the person is not interested. But, you can take your list of needs and wants and move on to someone else. No sense in crying over spilled milk. In singles and dating coaching sessions, I usually have to help people not only identify what they want-but be brave enough to go for it! Here is another blog post on being a balanced dater that really seems to paint a good picture.

Remember, rejection is an illusion as we don’t really reject people but we reject our own perceptions and mis-conceptions of people, thus we are only rejecting an aspect of our own consciousness. So don’t take it so personally! In reality, they are only rejecting a facet of their own subjective world.  

Practical Tip-If you are too afraid to speak to the person, try a heartfelt email or letter. Try to give actual reasons why you like them and ask them if they want to go out on a date-not “hey, wanna get married and have my twenty-sumthin’ kids?”

3. Does The Object Of Your Affection Want To Date?

Confession. I have not only been friendzoned, but I have friendzoned people before as well. But why did I do it? Personally, it was not because I did not think the person was not attractive, it was not for lack of chemistry, and it was not even for distance. I friendzoned innocent souls because at that time in my life I did not want to be in a relationship! I was just coming out of a semi-serious relationship, and I was addicted to the freedom of the single life! (Why am I using so many exclamation marks? Eh, just roll with it.)

Thus, anyone who was attracted to me ain’t have nothing coming their way. In other words, you being in the friendzone may be because the person does not want a relationship! Plain and simple. Have a discussion about it and maybe give them some space.

Practical Tip-Own your single-hood. Be at peace in your singleness and don’t use someone else to fulfill yourself. Be complete alone, or you will never be complete at all-even in a relationship. I promise.

4. Why Is The Universe Reflecting This Back To You?

We can say God, Karma (Sanskrit for action), The Universe or Creation, and even for the skeptics, functional reality; essentially, what are you doing unconsciously to attract this into your life? Do you have a fear of rejection? Do you believe deep down that it is not possible to get your needs met? Relationships reflect your internal state of being for personal discovery.

It is possible to discover your self-limiting beliefs with help but it is a process for those who are brave enough to look deep into their soul. Sadly enough, many never uproot their deep beliefs around dating and continue to attract the same type of partner over and over again.

Just Google “How to overcome self-limiting beliefs” to be inundated with ways to combat these hidden traps in your own unconscious mind.

Practical Tip-Use your spiritual background and community. Pray about it, meditate, go within and listen to your intuition. Whatever you do, don’t force romance that isn’t truly there. You are worth so much more.

5. Are You Inserting People Into Your Fantasies?

Hollywood and Disney always give you this happy ending story where the guy or gal runs up to their love interest, and are just kissed ever so passionately. No questions. No arguments. No awkwardness. Essentially, a lot of people seem to fantasize about being with someone and feel that if they fantasize “hard” enough that the person will just feel the gravitational pull of their fantasy and fall head over heels/or sneakers for them.

And then reality smacks in harder than Bruce Lee’s dragon kick.

There is nothing wrong with a crush, or liking someone. But try to monitor you fantasies and decide if you will take action. When you are daydreaming, try asking yourself if the person would even want to be in this fantasy. By the way, that’s what dates are for, to find common ground in desire 🙂 Keeping track of your mind-wander lust will help you move on so then you won’t have to worry about being a “chronic friendzonee”

Practical Tip-The next time you are fantasizing, ask yourself what practical steps can you take to make the fantasy real? Write them down and take an action, but always take another persons feelings into consideration. Just because you insert someone into a fantasy does not mean they want what you want-be courteous!

Is It Really That Bad?

Alright, well I know some of this was surely tough love, but a nice push will get a fire in your belly and help you get out, and stay out of the friendzone. But, remember that the friendzone does not always need to be a bad thing. Try to communicate how you feel in a safe environment, with no expectations. Being friends can sometimes be a lot better because commitment is a big responsibility. I wish you well in your mission! Take action and practice unconditional love always!

Feel free to leave comments and more advice that has worked for you. Peace and Love!

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here, in the meantime have a great day.

-Coach London Holt!

 

How Your “Personal” Culture Affects Your Dating Life & What is Your Love Identity?

Did you know your personal culture actually affects your dating life, and later, your long-term relationships?

A man by the name of Edward B. Tylor defined culture as the full range of learned human behavior patterns.

In other words, culture is learned and not a biological phenomenon, as Tylor also believed there was no difference between a King and the servant, but only that the King may have been educated more; thus, the King is able to yield more of that which was always within him.

But again, how does this connect to your dating life?

Well, I believe that there is a collective culture, yet also an individual culture which consists of experiences, values, desires and a perceived identity.

Who you believe yourself to be will inevitably affect your dating life.

For example, if someone were to only identify themselves as a “poor person” then they may tend to date those in a similar socioeconomic status.

Yet, someone who’s identity is much more inclusive, expansive and even egalitarian may just label themselves as a human, and others as human. Thus, this latter identity will yield a greater dating pool, or number of possible partners from which to choose.

Your culture is what you cultivate. To cultivate means you focus on it to a certain degree consciously or unconsciously, and if you are not focusing enough on it than others from a similar culture will try to get you to focus on it.

Your culture is like a seed, a plant that you water with your thoughts and emotions, giving rise to fruits of symbols and behaviors.

Your culture can also be the collection of conversations you are having with yourself on a daily basis.

How do you view yourself? Who do you say you are? What things are very important to you?

Some people may actually have a personal culture of hate, that is, they focus on what it is they don’t like about themselves and this will generate insecurities, watering the seeds and bearing fruits of malice. Even while doing Relationship Coaching I find that I usually have to help clients overcome their own personal insecurities to make the dating process easier, after all the worst enemy is truly the person in the mirror!

Developing a Culture of Unconditional Love is very important and the way one does this is by accepting all of your desires and values as is. If you are always comparing yourself to other people, then this will surely create an array of insecurities.

When it comes to dating, having an idea of who you are and what you want are very important and I analyze even underestimated. Finding a partner with a similar “culture” is very important, and accepting yourself and others for who they are is very key as well.

However, very quickly I wanted to make a statement that may surprise you and perhaps even offend some, but this must be said.

Culture and race are not the same thing.

These two words shouldn’t be used interchangeably.

You see, race is a philosophy that is passed as being science (it still has yet to be proven in a lab) whereas culture is real, and is a function of what people focus on and value, and then pass on to the next generation (also known as socialization).

If anything, the illusion of race has become a focus in American Culture, thus in this case race is a cultural focus that many still have trouble letting go of, for an unconscious fear of loosing an elusive sense of identity.

Race is an illusion(click link to see for yourself), and biological determinism, I believe, will begin to erode in these next generations as even the number of multicultural dating and romantic relationships has and will continue to increase drastically. That is because again two people may come from different ethnic backgrounds, yet have a similar “personal” culture of focus on similar values.

The power of love is beyond all illusions of humanity.

So, again, to answer the question-culture affects your dating life because it affects who you would want to date and who you will ultimately decide who is a fit mate. And this is only the beginning!

Thank you all, and please leave comments-but please, no bloody debates on my page-if you have a quarrel with someone in this matter then please inbox one another, or keep the comments to a mutually respectful tone.

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here. 

Peace and Unconditional Love be with everyone,

-London Holt

Yin and Yang Dating, How Your Affinity Affects Your Dating Life

The Yin and Yang symbol is very popular, yet do you know the true meaning of this symbol? 

The Yin-Yang symbol comes from Chinese Philosophy and is a symbol of balance, with both pieces being unique yet connected and complimentary.

But how does this symbol connect to your dating life?

You see, everything has a yin and yang aspect to it. (as pictured above)

For instance, even inhaling is considered yin and exhaling yang!

However, when it comes to dating you want to make sure you are using both of these energies to manifest a balanced relationship.

So are you a yin, yang, or balanced dater?

DISCLAIMER: I wanted to note that yin and yang is dualistic in nature, yet when it comes to the nature of the yin and yang it can also be considered a spectrum, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. You may in fact show qualities of both to a certain degree so keep this in mind as you read this post!

Yin Dater-A Yin dater is very shy and prefers for others to make the first move. A yin dater also spends much time fantasizing about potential romance so much so that they may even fall for an internal fantasy, instead of the actual person!

If you are a yin dater then you have a skill for working on your own baggage, and going through deep levels of reflection after a date to get a better picture of what you want in a relationship.

However, a yin dater must take more action! Don’t always wait for the other person to make the first move, this is also because if you are a yin dater than you may be a tad bit more emotional. Thus, in relationships you would also need to work on expressing your emotions and not bottling them up; only to have your emotions explode or turn into festering resentment.

Yin is a powerful energy for healing, yet yang is just as important so lets see if you are a yang dater.

Yang Dater-Having an abundance of yang energy while dating can make for a very exciting romantic life! If you are a yang dater then you are the person who makes the first move, chooses the dates and even parks the car 😉

In other words, yang energy is all about action, which balances out the yin energy. However, there is a weakness in having too much yang energy; that is, sometimes yang daters can be very cocky, overbearing and risk using dating and relationships as a way to escape their inner turmoil.

Too much yang energy can cause you to search for dating and love as a form of escapism!

Yang is a wonderful energy to cultivate, but too much can hurt you, unfortunately. Yang daters can benefit from meditation, deep reflection and also keeping a journal to get those emotions down on paper.

Yet, is there a way to get the best of both worlds? Of course there is!

Balanced Dater-Yin and yang are not energies in competition with one another, but two forces meant to work harmoniously together. You may, like most, have several qualities that are yin and yang in nature yet being a balanced dater is idea.

A balance dater knows when to take action, but also when to look within and question your motives in pursuing someone.

A balanced dater will take the time to work on personal baggage and self love and work from this “complete” space to manifest a loving relationship.

A balanced dater is a conscious dater who takes into consideration the subsequent effect of their actions on others, and also themselves (mindfulness).

Cultivating the yin and yang balance however is much easier than most would tell you and it is even something I teach in my Relationship Coaching practice; as well as conscious dating.

So which type of dater are you currently? Which energy do you need more of to balance yourself, yin or yang? Think about it.

In the meantime, have a wonderful day!

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here.

-Conscious Creation Singles and Relationship Coach London Holt

When It Comes To Dating And Relationships, Is There Such a Thing as The Perfect Person ?

Alas! I have finally pulled my thoughts together to bring you one of the greatest insights of my life. We get to tackle this question of perfection and whether or not your soul mate is out there waiting to be discovered, or if you are with your soul mate this moment. Sound enticing? Of course it does! Be ready to get all enlightened and stuff 🙂

Okay, so here goes a disclaimer, a story and then a huge insight that is going to blow your mind like fireworks and sticks of dynamite had a baby (hehe)

Disclaimer-I am not a love guru, just a normal guy who does Relationship Coaching. I have an overwhelming amount of confidence and knowledge but my answers to questions are not perfect. In this blog we will even re-define perfection, and with the new definition I may be seen as having perfect answers, however. I know, such a beautiful contradiction.

Story– I once was having a candid conversation with my good friend (I will not use her real name but lets call her Sagree for now) and she had contacted me for some good ol’ relationship advice. We had met in a library cafe at Case Western Reserve University, but that didn’t stop us from laughing out loud as we exchanged our love wisdom.

She was having trouble in her dating life with a guy she had been pursuing for some time, and I was having trouble landing a date with a woman who seemed to be into me but was very shy.

During our conversation and after I helped Sagree with her issue, the focus shifted to me-the advice giver was gonna be the “givee” (I think that’s a word…if not then it should be one) Anyways, I found out that the reason I was having so many issues in dating and even past relationships was because of my deep rooted issue in perfectionism.

I was looking for something specific but did not know what is was specifically, and I am sure Sagree subtly picked up on this.

That was when she said something that blew my mind…like fireworks had a baby with sticks of dynamite.

As the insight entered her seemingly from the ether and staring in suspended animation at the floor she asked hesitantly, “London…instead of looking for the perfect person, why not look for someone to perfectly grow together with?”

A moment of silence hit us both in a library that was ironically anything but silent.

It made me go through a second of mega-reflection where I saw every relationship and romantic encounter I have ever had flash before my eyes.

I was scaring women away because I was trying to change them into something else, or I felt like they were trying to change me…That’s not unconditional love but unconditional selfishness.

Sagree and I discussed the concept more and then went on to discuss some other topics.

But the point being made is that perfection is such a subjective phenomenon, yet the true challenge is not to look for the perfect person but to accept yourself and the person in front of you perfectly for who they are in the current moment.

The moment someone feels like you are trying to change them into something they aren’t, then arguments will begin, resentment will fester, and inevitable distancing will take place. And when distance takes place then the imagination mixed with emotions will begin to brew misconceptions.

Many people don’t even break up with their partner or cancel a second date because they hate the person, but they are in fact and more than likely rejecting the misunderstanding. Honest communication is illuminating in dark times.

My friend Sagree really helped open my eyes to this reality, and it is a tip I can assure you will change the way you approach romantic situations.

Lastly, I must say that there are cases of love at first sight and strong resonance, and if someone is your soul mate then you will know deep down.

But, it will mostly come down to whether or not you are willing to fight your own demons and un-love energies to get to your happily ever after.

Many of the issues we have can be projected onto others, and so the perfection of who they are is clouded…but I will discuss this more in a future blog post. (Duh, duh, duh) Cliffhanger!

And by the way I did end up getting the date with that woman, but we decided to go our separate ways.

It happens, and that doesn’t take away from my perfection or hers, where perfection is the state of just being who you are in the moment while accepting your flaws. Okay, getting carried away again. But Sagree is still with that guy to this day years two years later! 😉

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here. 

So, is your mind blown? Any paradigms shift? Leave comments please!

Peace, Hope and Pure Unconditional Love be with everyone–over and out.