(Friendzoned!) How To Get Out Of The Dreaded Friendzone, And Stay Out!

The dreaded friend-zone is akin to quicksand.

The more you try to escape it’s grasp, the more you sink into a seemingly inescapable tug of emotion and desire.

In addition, friend-zones can feel draining as you may continue to give of yourself, unconditionally, yet it may feel like you are being taken for granted. Ouch!

The friend-zone can be defined as a friendship between two people characterized by one person having “secret feelings”, often suppressed, for the other person. The friend-zoned person tends to harbor a mixture of awe, fear of rejection, and vacillating resentment towards their object of affection for not being able to magically read their minds.

But, what if I told you there is hope my dear dreamer? What if I told you that there is not only a way to get out of this zone, but to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Yes, there is always bright sun light on the other side of rain clouds (hehe).

Allow us to venture into a new zone, the Action Zone! Here are the important questions you must ask yourself, with pure honesty, to transcend this zone and practical tips to get you enlightened. Please keep an open mind, and as a disclaimer, know that I will be brutally honest-so put on thick skin my fellow dreamers.

1. Do You Know What You Want?

This is perhaps the last thing you are thinking about right now! But hear me out. Being friendzoned can easily be the manifestation of you not knowing what you want, while also projecting a need onto someone whom you are infatuated with. What are your requirements? What are your needs? What are your wants? When you know what you want, then in the face of rejection it won’t feel as bad! You will simply return to the pond with your fishing rod and look for more fish in the sea. Easier said than done, but it can be done.

You may not know what you want, but you do know what you don’t want!

Before blogging about this subject, I did read some other articles and posts on escaping the friendzone; but a lot of the information was very superficial and a band-aid, so to speak, for the deeper issue. You must go back to the drawing board and re-think your strategy! Only insane people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results!

Practical Tip-Figure out what you want and decide if this person even fits the criteria. Don’t try to change them to fit your fantasy, this will only scare them away and dig you even deeper in the friendzone. Get comfortable with communicating your needs, as this will be important in a serious relationship anyway, so get a head start.

2. Are You Being Assertive?

Assertiveness is not a synonym for ass-hole. No one is asking you to be pushy as this can be seen by some as rude and even desperate. Again, after you have really put thought into what you want, now you need to communicate effectively your needs. Do you want to be in a relationship where physical contact is common? Try sending the message by taking action and engaging in physical contact. Or, perhaps you need to take action by setting a date, and communicating your emotions.

Worst case scenario, the person is not interested. But, you can take your list of needs and wants and move on to someone else. No sense in crying over spilled milk. In singles and dating coaching sessions, I usually have to help people not only identify what they want-but be brave enough to go for it! Here is another blog post on being a balanced dater that really seems to paint a good picture.

Remember, rejection is an illusion as we don’t really reject people but we reject our own perceptions and mis-conceptions of people, thus we are only rejecting an aspect of our own consciousness. So don’t take it so personally! In reality, they are only rejecting a facet of their own subjective world.  

Practical Tip-If you are too afraid to speak to the person, try a heartfelt email or letter. Try to give actual reasons why you like them and ask them if they want to go out on a date-not “hey, wanna get married and have my twenty-sumthin’ kids?”

3. Does The Object Of Your Affection Want To Date?

Confession. I have not only been friendzoned, but I have friendzoned people before as well. But why did I do it? Personally, it was not because I did not think the person was not attractive, it was not for lack of chemistry, and it was not even for distance. I friendzoned innocent souls because at that time in my life I did not want to be in a relationship! I was just coming out of a semi-serious relationship, and I was addicted to the freedom of the single life! (Why am I using so many exclamation marks? Eh, just roll with it.)

Thus, anyone who was attracted to me ain’t have nothing coming their way. In other words, you being in the friendzone may be because the person does not want a relationship! Plain and simple. Have a discussion about it and maybe give them some space.

Practical Tip-Own your single-hood. Be at peace in your singleness and don’t use someone else to fulfill yourself. Be complete alone, or you will never be complete at all-even in a relationship. I promise.

4. Why Is The Universe Reflecting This Back To You?

We can say God, Karma (Sanskrit for action), The Universe or Creation, and even for the skeptics, functional reality; essentially, what are you doing unconsciously to attract this into your life? Do you have a fear of rejection? Do you believe deep down that it is not possible to get your needs met? Relationships reflect your internal state of being for personal discovery.

It is possible to discover your self-limiting beliefs with help but it is a process for those who are brave enough to look deep into their soul. Sadly enough, many never uproot their deep beliefs around dating and continue to attract the same type of partner over and over again.

Just Google “How to overcome self-limiting beliefs” to be inundated with ways to combat these hidden traps in your own unconscious mind.

Practical Tip-Use your spiritual background and community. Pray about it, meditate, go within and listen to your intuition. Whatever you do, don’t force romance that isn’t truly there. You are worth so much more.

5. Are You Inserting People Into Your Fantasies?

Hollywood and Disney always give you this happy ending story where the guy or gal runs up to their love interest, and are just kissed ever so passionately. No questions. No arguments. No awkwardness. Essentially, a lot of people seem to fantasize about being with someone and feel that if they fantasize “hard” enough that the person will just feel the gravitational pull of their fantasy and fall head over heels/or sneakers for them.

And then reality smacks in harder than Bruce Lee’s dragon kick.

There is nothing wrong with a crush, or liking someone. But try to monitor you fantasies and decide if you will take action. When you are daydreaming, try asking yourself if the person would even want to be in this fantasy. By the way, that’s what dates are for, to find common ground in desire 🙂 Keeping track of your mind-wander lust will help you move on so then you won’t have to worry about being a “chronic friendzonee”

Practical Tip-The next time you are fantasizing, ask yourself what practical steps can you take to make the fantasy real? Write them down and take an action, but always take another persons feelings into consideration. Just because you insert someone into a fantasy does not mean they want what you want-be courteous!

Is It Really That Bad?

Alright, well I know some of this was surely tough love, but a nice push will get a fire in your belly and help you get out, and stay out of the friendzone. But, remember that the friendzone does not always need to be a bad thing. Try to communicate how you feel in a safe environment, with no expectations. Being friends can sometimes be a lot better because commitment is a big responsibility. I wish you well in your mission! Take action and practice unconditional love always!

Feel free to leave comments and more advice that has worked for you. Peace and Love!

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here, in the meantime have a great day.

-Coach London Holt!

 

What is Unconditional Love and Why is it Important?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I believe this is true as we all have different qualities and qualifications we may hold close and dear to our hearts while searching for “the one”.

And even for those of you in relationships already, I am sure there were certain traits that attracted you to the person.

Perhaps it was simply the way they dress, or the way the person laughs, or maybe a deeper quality such as them being a good listener.

Yet, the paradox in relationships is that sometimes the qualities that attracted you to your partner may become the very things that tear you both apart! Yeah, I made the same face when I realized this interesting fact.

Perhaps it was cute when they wanted a reply to every text, you felt so “needed” but now you feel like you are being smothered or interrogated. Perhaps you loved their laugh but now you feel embarrassed in public when they seem to screech. Perhaps time together was magical, but now you live together and you just want space.

What is the key to this inevitable contrast and power struggle? Of course good communication but another overlooked concept.

Two words.

Unconditional Love.

Unconditional love is not looking at your partner with rosy eyes and ignoring all of their shortcoming, but is a state of consciousness where you see the good, the bad and the ugly and you accept all as is.

You don’t seek to change your partner but you love without conditions.

I have noticed that usually when someone asks for relationship advice, that unconditional love will without a doubt come to the forefront of the conversation.

Why is unconditional love so important?

Because how we interact with others affects how they interact with themselves. If you are bashing your partner for their weaknesses, then this will cause emotional distancing in the relationship. You bashing them will cause them to bash themselves when you aren’t around. 😦

In fact, if someone else comes along who is more accepting than this will create temptation for your partner.

After all, who would you stay with, the person who is forcing you to change, or the person who accepts you for who you are? I am not condoning cheating or infidelity by the way, just shedding light. Furthermore, honesty and criticism is wonderful, but make sure it is constructive, not destructive.

Of course what I am saying will vary from situation to situation, but another important point is that unconditional love must be given to the self as well.

Love thy neighbor as thy self means express unconditional love to yourself and others.

So the next time someone’s weaknesses creep up, don’t be so tempted to instantly move on or call off the date, but use the angst as an opportunity to practice unconditional love and grow as a person.

I know, easier said than done but it can be with practice.

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here.

Thank you for time, please leave comment and share if you resonate with this material! Peace and Pure Love be with you all 😉

When It Comes To Dating And Relationships, Is There Such a Thing as The Perfect Person ?

Alas! I have finally pulled my thoughts together to bring you one of the greatest insights of my life. We get to tackle this question of perfection and whether or not your soul mate is out there waiting to be discovered, or if you are with your soul mate this moment. Sound enticing? Of course it does! Be ready to get all enlightened and stuff 🙂

Okay, so here goes a disclaimer, a story and then a huge insight that is going to blow your mind like fireworks and sticks of dynamite had a baby (hehe)

Disclaimer-I am not a love guru, just a normal guy who does Relationship Coaching. I have an overwhelming amount of confidence and knowledge but my answers to questions are not perfect. In this blog we will even re-define perfection, and with the new definition I may be seen as having perfect answers, however. I know, such a beautiful contradiction.

Story– I once was having a candid conversation with my good friend (I will not use her real name but lets call her Sagree for now) and she had contacted me for some good ol’ relationship advice. We had met in a library cafe at Case Western Reserve University, but that didn’t stop us from laughing out loud as we exchanged our love wisdom.

She was having trouble in her dating life with a guy she had been pursuing for some time, and I was having trouble landing a date with a woman who seemed to be into me but was very shy.

During our conversation and after I helped Sagree with her issue, the focus shifted to me-the advice giver was gonna be the “givee” (I think that’s a word…if not then it should be one) Anyways, I found out that the reason I was having so many issues in dating and even past relationships was because of my deep rooted issue in perfectionism.

I was looking for something specific but did not know what is was specifically, and I am sure Sagree subtly picked up on this.

That was when she said something that blew my mind…like fireworks had a baby with sticks of dynamite.

As the insight entered her seemingly from the ether and staring in suspended animation at the floor she asked hesitantly, “London…instead of looking for the perfect person, why not look for someone to perfectly grow together with?”

A moment of silence hit us both in a library that was ironically anything but silent.

It made me go through a second of mega-reflection where I saw every relationship and romantic encounter I have ever had flash before my eyes.

I was scaring women away because I was trying to change them into something else, or I felt like they were trying to change me…That’s not unconditional love but unconditional selfishness.

Sagree and I discussed the concept more and then went on to discuss some other topics.

But the point being made is that perfection is such a subjective phenomenon, yet the true challenge is not to look for the perfect person but to accept yourself and the person in front of you perfectly for who they are in the current moment.

The moment someone feels like you are trying to change them into something they aren’t, then arguments will begin, resentment will fester, and inevitable distancing will take place. And when distance takes place then the imagination mixed with emotions will begin to brew misconceptions.

Many people don’t even break up with their partner or cancel a second date because they hate the person, but they are in fact and more than likely rejecting the misunderstanding. Honest communication is illuminating in dark times.

My friend Sagree really helped open my eyes to this reality, and it is a tip I can assure you will change the way you approach romantic situations.

Lastly, I must say that there are cases of love at first sight and strong resonance, and if someone is your soul mate then you will know deep down.

But, it will mostly come down to whether or not you are willing to fight your own demons and un-love energies to get to your happily ever after.

Many of the issues we have can be projected onto others, and so the perfection of who they are is clouded…but I will discuss this more in a future blog post. (Duh, duh, duh) Cliffhanger!

And by the way I did end up getting the date with that woman, but we decided to go our separate ways.

It happens, and that doesn’t take away from my perfection or hers, where perfection is the state of just being who you are in the moment while accepting your flaws. Okay, getting carried away again. But Sagree is still with that guy to this day years two years later! 😉

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here. 

So, is your mind blown? Any paradigms shift? Leave comments please!

Peace, Hope and Pure Unconditional Love be with everyone–over and out.

 

Is Being a Needy Person a Bad Thing? 5 Reasons Why Needy People May Be Showing Up In Your Dating Life!

When it comes to dating and relationships there are certain character traits that may turn some off instantly. One of those traits is someone who is very needy. I mean overwhelmingly needy. So needy that when you are in the same room they want to make sure you both are sharing the same bubble of oxygen…Okay, so maybe  I am exaggerating a tad bit but you get the picture. I wanted to give, however, a blog post on what and why you may have ended up with a super needy person. The answers will surely surprise you!

1. Are You Shopping While Desperate?

Imagine heading to the grocery store while you are starving, or to your favorite clothing store with a lot of money in your pocket.

Chances are, you will buy everything!

Unfortunately, in dating what I analyze is that some date from a place of desperation and loneliness. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it can set you up for overlooking a person being very needy and controlling (such as the person who needs you to always text back instantly, yes we have all been there) Social Psychologist call the phenomenon of minimizing the not so good things about a person the Halo Effect by the way for my scholars out there. Anyways, if you always find yourself in a situation with needy people, you may find that you have allowed this into your life by not paying attention to red alert signs!

2. One Word. Boundaries.

I remember back in high school dating this girl, and we were inseparable. In fact, whenever my name was mentioned her’s always followed. Point made, we were “one”.

I bring this up because it seems that many fantasize about being so strongly connected to another person that it feels like you both share the same heart beat. However, this desire if not controlled can cause you to end up with someone very needy, that is, you can misinterpret a red signal as something amazing. An example would be of someone who has the desire to be needed, so when they meet a guy or gal who is jealous and controlling the behavior may be interpreted, again, as a good thing.

Sometimes that which attracts us to be people can paradoxically be the thing that tears a relationship apart.

This means that in relationships,  in dating especially, you want to set clear boundaries and tell the person how certain actions cause you to feel, and be aware of any mixed signals you are sending.

3. You May Be Needy Yourself!

Let’s face it, sitting on the couch watching episodes of Family Guy, and re-runs of your other favorite shows all by your lonesome is perhaps not as fun as cuddling with someone who makes hilarious narrations and random fart noises (wait, is that just me?)

At one point in life, we all are needy. As babies we start off not being able to care for ourselves, so our parents must supply our needs. It is part of our human nature to have needs that need to be fulfilled, and even American Psychologist Abraham Maslow spent a portion of his life researching this.

Needy people may be showing up because they resonate with your suppressed or unconscious neediness. I know, very difficult to hear but you would be surprised to learn that a great deal of the things we dislike in others are only mere reflections of that which we don’t like, or have suppressed, within ourselves. What does that mean? I will discuss this in a future blog, but for now just know that you may have a lot more in common with a needy person than you thought.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

4. Do You Both Want the Same Thing?

I know this is a cliche sort of thing to say, but relationships truly do thrive on honest communication and mutual understanding. Thus, you both may want to discuss whether or not you want the same type of relationship.

Yes, there are different types!

Some want a close and deeply intimate relationship, some just want someone to share experiences with, some people just want the benefits of a serious relationship without commitment.

What you want to do is make sure you know what you want, and find someone who wants the same thing. Define your core desires. You would be surprised at how easy this little tip can help. After all, honesty is the best policy. 🙂

5. Are You Sure You are Ready for a Serious Relationship?

The human heart is a battlefield, as several desires fight for the right to come to the forefront of the soul. Different pieces of you want the lime light.

Part of you wants to be independent, yet the other wants the beauty of interdependence. If you are not in full alignment with sharing your time with another person, then be honest and try to develop a way of working through this together. Deal with the issue as teammates so you both aren’t fighting each other, but together.

Okay, that sums of my mini list for the time being, and trust me I know there are many more reasons why needy people show up, but the ones I listed seem to be the most common I see, especially while Coaching Singles and Dating.

Just remember there is always a solution if you are willing to look for it.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with being needy, one must simply find a way to have their desires fulfilled in a healthy manner. And someone replying to your texts instantly may not be the answer. Just sayin’!

 To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here.

Thank you for your time and have a nice day!