(Friendzoned!) How To Get Out Of The Dreaded Friendzone, And Stay Out!

The dreaded friend-zone is akin to quicksand.

The more you try to escape it’s grasp, the more you sink into a seemingly inescapable tug of emotion and desire.

In addition, friend-zones can feel draining as you may continue to give of yourself, unconditionally, yet it may feel like you are being taken for granted. Ouch!

The friend-zone can be defined as a friendship between two people characterized by one person having “secret feelings”, often suppressed, for the other person. The friend-zoned person tends to harbor a mixture of awe, fear of rejection, and vacillating resentment towards their object of affection for not being able to magically read their minds.

But, what if I told you there is hope my dear dreamer? What if I told you that there is not only a way to get out of this zone, but to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Yes, there is always bright sun light on the other side of rain clouds (hehe).

Allow us to venture into a new zone, the Action Zone! Here are the important questions you must ask yourself, with pure honesty, to transcend this zone and practical tips to get you enlightened. Please keep an open mind, and as a disclaimer, know that I will be brutally honest-so put on thick skin my fellow dreamers.

1. Do You Know What You Want?

This is perhaps the last thing you are thinking about right now! But hear me out. Being friendzoned can easily be the manifestation of you not knowing what you want, while also projecting a need onto someone whom you are infatuated with. What are your requirements? What are your needs? What are your wants? When you know what you want, then in the face of rejection it won’t feel as bad! You will simply return to the pond with your fishing rod and look for more fish in the sea. Easier said than done, but it can be done.

You may not know what you want, but you do know what you don’t want!

Before blogging about this subject, I did read some other articles and posts on escaping the friendzone; but a lot of the information was very superficial and a band-aid, so to speak, for the deeper issue. You must go back to the drawing board and re-think your strategy! Only insane people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results!

Practical Tip-Figure out what you want and decide if this person even fits the criteria. Don’t try to change them to fit your fantasy, this will only scare them away and dig you even deeper in the friendzone. Get comfortable with communicating your needs, as this will be important in a serious relationship anyway, so get a head start.

2. Are You Being Assertive?

Assertiveness is not a synonym for ass-hole. No one is asking you to be pushy as this can be seen by some as rude and even desperate. Again, after you have really put thought into what you want, now you need to communicate effectively your needs. Do you want to be in a relationship where physical contact is common? Try sending the message by taking action and engaging in physical contact. Or, perhaps you need to take action by setting a date, and communicating your emotions.

Worst case scenario, the person is not interested. But, you can take your list of needs and wants and move on to someone else. No sense in crying over spilled milk. In singles and dating coaching sessions, I usually have to help people not only identify what they want-but be brave enough to go for it! Here is another blog post on being a balanced dater that really seems to paint a good picture.

Remember, rejection is an illusion as we don’t really reject people but we reject our own perceptions and mis-conceptions of people, thus we are only rejecting an aspect of our own consciousness. So don’t take it so personally! In reality, they are only rejecting a facet of their own subjective world.  

Practical Tip-If you are too afraid to speak to the person, try a heartfelt email or letter. Try to give actual reasons why you like them and ask them if they want to go out on a date-not “hey, wanna get married and have my twenty-sumthin’ kids?”

3. Does The Object Of Your Affection Want To Date?

Confession. I have not only been friendzoned, but I have friendzoned people before as well. But why did I do it? Personally, it was not because I did not think the person was not attractive, it was not for lack of chemistry, and it was not even for distance. I friendzoned innocent souls because at that time in my life I did not want to be in a relationship! I was just coming out of a semi-serious relationship, and I was addicted to the freedom of the single life! (Why am I using so many exclamation marks? Eh, just roll with it.)

Thus, anyone who was attracted to me ain’t have nothing coming their way. In other words, you being in the friendzone may be because the person does not want a relationship! Plain and simple. Have a discussion about it and maybe give them some space.

Practical Tip-Own your single-hood. Be at peace in your singleness and don’t use someone else to fulfill yourself. Be complete alone, or you will never be complete at all-even in a relationship. I promise.

4. Why Is The Universe Reflecting This Back To You?

We can say God, Karma (Sanskrit for action), The Universe or Creation, and even for the skeptics, functional reality; essentially, what are you doing unconsciously to attract this into your life? Do you have a fear of rejection? Do you believe deep down that it is not possible to get your needs met? Relationships reflect your internal state of being for personal discovery.

It is possible to discover your self-limiting beliefs with help but it is a process for those who are brave enough to look deep into their soul. Sadly enough, many never uproot their deep beliefs around dating and continue to attract the same type of partner over and over again.

Just Google “How to overcome self-limiting beliefs” to be inundated with ways to combat these hidden traps in your own unconscious mind.

Practical Tip-Use your spiritual background and community. Pray about it, meditate, go within and listen to your intuition. Whatever you do, don’t force romance that isn’t truly there. You are worth so much more.

5. Are You Inserting People Into Your Fantasies?

Hollywood and Disney always give you this happy ending story where the guy or gal runs up to their love interest, and are just kissed ever so passionately. No questions. No arguments. No awkwardness. Essentially, a lot of people seem to fantasize about being with someone and feel that if they fantasize “hard” enough that the person will just feel the gravitational pull of their fantasy and fall head over heels/or sneakers for them.

And then reality smacks in harder than Bruce Lee’s dragon kick.

There is nothing wrong with a crush, or liking someone. But try to monitor you fantasies and decide if you will take action. When you are daydreaming, try asking yourself if the person would even want to be in this fantasy. By the way, that’s what dates are for, to find common ground in desire 🙂 Keeping track of your mind-wander lust will help you move on so then you won’t have to worry about being a “chronic friendzonee”

Practical Tip-The next time you are fantasizing, ask yourself what practical steps can you take to make the fantasy real? Write them down and take an action, but always take another persons feelings into consideration. Just because you insert someone into a fantasy does not mean they want what you want-be courteous!

Is It Really That Bad?

Alright, well I know some of this was surely tough love, but a nice push will get a fire in your belly and help you get out, and stay out of the friendzone. But, remember that the friendzone does not always need to be a bad thing. Try to communicate how you feel in a safe environment, with no expectations. Being friends can sometimes be a lot better because commitment is a big responsibility. I wish you well in your mission! Take action and practice unconditional love always!

Feel free to leave comments and more advice that has worked for you. Peace and Love!

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here, in the meantime have a great day.

-Coach London Holt!

 

5 Steps On How To Be A More Self-Confident Person (Especially in Dating)

Self-confidence is an infectious quality that automatically makes any person that much more attractive. Whether it is a job interview, an inquiry for a raise, or a date confidence will surely do everything but hurt you.

Yet, what are some practical steps to developing confidence?

Do you have to just be born with confidence, or can it be developed?

I believe it can be cultivated and here are some practical steps to developing confidence.

1. DON’T COMPARE, BUT APPRECIATE.

The way we interact with the world within us affects the way we interact with the world around us; that is, our emotions, our desires, our  fears and goals. In other words, how you feel about yourself is communicated to others consciously and unconsciously.

This is important to know because when you compare yourself to others it will develop this inner critic voice. A voice within that believes you are not good enough only to find “so called” truth in comparing yourself chronically to others.

In dating, the conversation within will become external.

The lack of self confidence will be picked up on. Some people may not even reject you, but they may steer clear of signs of insecurity.

Instead of comparing yourself to others try appreciating the skills of others. Ultimately, appreciate your own set of gifts and talents and focus on your “unique” qualities.

2. DON’T WEAR A MASK, BUT BE YOURSELF.

A lack of self-confidence, or the trust in ones own ability, can cause some to be a different person in public! Putting on a mask will only increase feelings of loneliness, and this fleeting feeling that no one “gets you”.

But in order for people to “get you” then you have to be you so they can love this person.

In dating, confidence is important but so is being who you truly are at your core.

3. DON’T BE SO UPTIGHT, BUT LEARN HOW TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF!

When I was younger, a bully (yes, I was bullied!) once told that me that if I don’t learn how to laugh at myself, then the entire world will laugh at me for me.

I believe Carl Jung once said that what you resist will persist.

Look at your insecurities in the eyes and laugh in their face. It will help you to be less critical when one of them floats to the surface.

4. DON’T BE A LONER, BUT FIND LIKE MINDED PEOPLE.

Be part of a group of some organization, again, where you can fully be yourself.

If you are part of a group of friends or even have family members who influence you to feel like you are worthless, then it is time for you to find another group of folks to hang out with. (Of course, if possible, if someone is being not so nice, then try to communicate your emotions by the way)

Write down five things you really like to do and find others who like to do those things, that simple. Try meetup.com!

5. DON’T LIVE IN THE PAST OR THE FUTURE, BUT THRIVE IN THE NOW.

Maybe you had some very embarrassing episodes as a child, or even had a horrible dating experience; the fact of the matter is that self-confidence is in the now.

Looking to the past will generate regret and looking to the future with no hope will generate fear. Living in this moment and being secure in who are is key.

Self-confidence is the fruit of positive focus, while also accepting the not so good things about yourself. Give it a try and see how your dating life shifts big time.

Well, that’s all folks. Go out there, be confident and fake it till you make it. 🙂

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here, in the meantime have a great day.

-Coach London Holt

Yin and Yang Dating, How Your Affinity Affects Your Dating Life

The Yin and Yang symbol is very popular, yet do you know the true meaning of this symbol? 

The Yin-Yang symbol comes from Chinese Philosophy and is a symbol of balance, with both pieces being unique yet connected and complimentary.

But how does this symbol connect to your dating life?

You see, everything has a yin and yang aspect to it. (as pictured above)

For instance, even inhaling is considered yin and exhaling yang!

However, when it comes to dating you want to make sure you are using both of these energies to manifest a balanced relationship.

So are you a yin, yang, or balanced dater?

DISCLAIMER: I wanted to note that yin and yang is dualistic in nature, yet when it comes to the nature of the yin and yang it can also be considered a spectrum, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. You may in fact show qualities of both to a certain degree so keep this in mind as you read this post!

Yin Dater-A Yin dater is very shy and prefers for others to make the first move. A yin dater also spends much time fantasizing about potential romance so much so that they may even fall for an internal fantasy, instead of the actual person!

If you are a yin dater then you have a skill for working on your own baggage, and going through deep levels of reflection after a date to get a better picture of what you want in a relationship.

However, a yin dater must take more action! Don’t always wait for the other person to make the first move, this is also because if you are a yin dater than you may be a tad bit more emotional. Thus, in relationships you would also need to work on expressing your emotions and not bottling them up; only to have your emotions explode or turn into festering resentment.

Yin is a powerful energy for healing, yet yang is just as important so lets see if you are a yang dater.

Yang Dater-Having an abundance of yang energy while dating can make for a very exciting romantic life! If you are a yang dater then you are the person who makes the first move, chooses the dates and even parks the car 😉

In other words, yang energy is all about action, which balances out the yin energy. However, there is a weakness in having too much yang energy; that is, sometimes yang daters can be very cocky, overbearing and risk using dating and relationships as a way to escape their inner turmoil.

Too much yang energy can cause you to search for dating and love as a form of escapism!

Yang is a wonderful energy to cultivate, but too much can hurt you, unfortunately. Yang daters can benefit from meditation, deep reflection and also keeping a journal to get those emotions down on paper.

Yet, is there a way to get the best of both worlds? Of course there is!

Balanced Dater-Yin and yang are not energies in competition with one another, but two forces meant to work harmoniously together. You may, like most, have several qualities that are yin and yang in nature yet being a balanced dater is idea.

A balance dater knows when to take action, but also when to look within and question your motives in pursuing someone.

A balanced dater will take the time to work on personal baggage and self love and work from this “complete” space to manifest a loving relationship.

A balanced dater is a conscious dater who takes into consideration the subsequent effect of their actions on others, and also themselves (mindfulness).

Cultivating the yin and yang balance however is much easier than most would tell you and it is even something I teach in my Relationship Coaching practice; as well as conscious dating.

So which type of dater are you currently? Which energy do you need more of to balance yourself, yin or yang? Think about it.

In the meantime, have a wonderful day!

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here.

-Conscious Creation Singles and Relationship Coach London Holt

What is Unconditional Love and Why is it Important?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I believe this is true as we all have different qualities and qualifications we may hold close and dear to our hearts while searching for “the one”.

And even for those of you in relationships already, I am sure there were certain traits that attracted you to the person.

Perhaps it was simply the way they dress, or the way the person laughs, or maybe a deeper quality such as them being a good listener.

Yet, the paradox in relationships is that sometimes the qualities that attracted you to your partner may become the very things that tear you both apart! Yeah, I made the same face when I realized this interesting fact.

Perhaps it was cute when they wanted a reply to every text, you felt so “needed” but now you feel like you are being smothered or interrogated. Perhaps you loved their laugh but now you feel embarrassed in public when they seem to screech. Perhaps time together was magical, but now you live together and you just want space.

What is the key to this inevitable contrast and power struggle? Of course good communication but another overlooked concept.

Two words.

Unconditional Love.

Unconditional love is not looking at your partner with rosy eyes and ignoring all of their shortcoming, but is a state of consciousness where you see the good, the bad and the ugly and you accept all as is.

You don’t seek to change your partner but you love without conditions.

I have noticed that usually when someone asks for relationship advice, that unconditional love will without a doubt come to the forefront of the conversation.

Why is unconditional love so important?

Because how we interact with others affects how they interact with themselves. If you are bashing your partner for their weaknesses, then this will cause emotional distancing in the relationship. You bashing them will cause them to bash themselves when you aren’t around. 😦

In fact, if someone else comes along who is more accepting than this will create temptation for your partner.

After all, who would you stay with, the person who is forcing you to change, or the person who accepts you for who you are? I am not condoning cheating or infidelity by the way, just shedding light. Furthermore, honesty and criticism is wonderful, but make sure it is constructive, not destructive.

Of course what I am saying will vary from situation to situation, but another important point is that unconditional love must be given to the self as well.

Love thy neighbor as thy self means express unconditional love to yourself and others.

So the next time someone’s weaknesses creep up, don’t be so tempted to instantly move on or call off the date, but use the angst as an opportunity to practice unconditional love and grow as a person.

I know, easier said than done but it can be with practice.

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here.

Thank you for time, please leave comment and share if you resonate with this material! Peace and Pure Love be with you all 😉

Dating Tip Consciousness Code #1…How to Keep a Conversation Going Without Looking Awkward

Congratulations! S/he finally said yes and you have a date, or perhaps you are already in a relationship and are just headed to a favorite restaurant.

Either way, you may eventually come to the dreaded “awkward silence” where the sound of crickets are akin to the noise of a heavy metal rock group.

We have all been there. 😦

Have no fear, a Relationship Coach is here! Here are a few tips on how to overcome this seemingly inevitable situation.

Codes of Consciousness advice bit one1– Realize that silence is not a bad thing. In fact, I would say embrace it. Silences isn’t harmful , but how one relates to and perceives silence can amplify awkwardness.

Next time take a deep breath and make sure you are breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, and be aware of your body. Make sure you are in the moment, because you can’t have a good conversation while daydreaming!

Always remember to listen, and be able to repeat back to the person what they have said. Another quick tip, don’t be so focused on what you are going to say next, focus on their words so you can repeat and paraphrase and then bring to the table your creative swagger.

Consciousness Codes advice bit two2-A good conversation is like playing catch, someone throws the ball then you have to toss it back. Keep in mind also that we are multidimensional beings and we have a physical body, an emotional body, mental body and for those who believe a spiritual body.

The key to good conversation is to appeal to all levels of someone’s existence.

If you only have physical conversations then you will only have a physical connection and a physical relationship…which dies out pretty fast.

Sorry perverts. 😉

Consciousness Code advice bit three3-Set an intention before the date or outing.

Do you want to know more about the persons family background? Do you want to find out who their favorite music group is? Do you want to go out on another date? (Save that one for the end obviously)

Keep note of what the person says and be able to paraphrase for them their words, and if you have something in common then say so. This commonality will make you appear more likeable, and they will know for a fact that you are listening.

Consciousness Code advice bit four4-Just be yourself, please! Be yourself and discuss topics that you resonate with. If the person is attracted to your core-ness then you will build a relationship where you feel so comfortable around the person, that conversation will flow effortlessly.

If you are focused on being something you are not, you will not only attract a pretty unhappy relationship; but your facade will eventually fade away, and when the mist clears you will more than likely part ways. Trust me on this one, I have seen it several times.

Okay, well that is it all for today-please comment as I appreciate all feedback. Unconditional Love be with you all!

To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here, in the meantime have a great day.

-London Holt

Is Being a Needy Person a Bad Thing? 5 Reasons Why Needy People May Be Showing Up In Your Dating Life!

When it comes to dating and relationships there are certain character traits that may turn some off instantly. One of those traits is someone who is very needy. I mean overwhelmingly needy. So needy that when you are in the same room they want to make sure you both are sharing the same bubble of oxygen…Okay, so maybe  I am exaggerating a tad bit but you get the picture. I wanted to give, however, a blog post on what and why you may have ended up with a super needy person. The answers will surely surprise you!

1. Are You Shopping While Desperate?

Imagine heading to the grocery store while you are starving, or to your favorite clothing store with a lot of money in your pocket.

Chances are, you will buy everything!

Unfortunately, in dating what I analyze is that some date from a place of desperation and loneliness. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it can set you up for overlooking a person being very needy and controlling (such as the person who needs you to always text back instantly, yes we have all been there) Social Psychologist call the phenomenon of minimizing the not so good things about a person the Halo Effect by the way for my scholars out there. Anyways, if you always find yourself in a situation with needy people, you may find that you have allowed this into your life by not paying attention to red alert signs!

2. One Word. Boundaries.

I remember back in high school dating this girl, and we were inseparable. In fact, whenever my name was mentioned her’s always followed. Point made, we were “one”.

I bring this up because it seems that many fantasize about being so strongly connected to another person that it feels like you both share the same heart beat. However, this desire if not controlled can cause you to end up with someone very needy, that is, you can misinterpret a red signal as something amazing. An example would be of someone who has the desire to be needed, so when they meet a guy or gal who is jealous and controlling the behavior may be interpreted, again, as a good thing.

Sometimes that which attracts us to be people can paradoxically be the thing that tears a relationship apart.

This means that in relationships,  in dating especially, you want to set clear boundaries and tell the person how certain actions cause you to feel, and be aware of any mixed signals you are sending.

3. You May Be Needy Yourself!

Let’s face it, sitting on the couch watching episodes of Family Guy, and re-runs of your other favorite shows all by your lonesome is perhaps not as fun as cuddling with someone who makes hilarious narrations and random fart noises (wait, is that just me?)

At one point in life, we all are needy. As babies we start off not being able to care for ourselves, so our parents must supply our needs. It is part of our human nature to have needs that need to be fulfilled, and even American Psychologist Abraham Maslow spent a portion of his life researching this.

Needy people may be showing up because they resonate with your suppressed or unconscious neediness. I know, very difficult to hear but you would be surprised to learn that a great deal of the things we dislike in others are only mere reflections of that which we don’t like, or have suppressed, within ourselves. What does that mean? I will discuss this in a future blog, but for now just know that you may have a lot more in common with a needy person than you thought.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

4. Do You Both Want the Same Thing?

I know this is a cliche sort of thing to say, but relationships truly do thrive on honest communication and mutual understanding. Thus, you both may want to discuss whether or not you want the same type of relationship.

Yes, there are different types!

Some want a close and deeply intimate relationship, some just want someone to share experiences with, some people just want the benefits of a serious relationship without commitment.

What you want to do is make sure you know what you want, and find someone who wants the same thing. Define your core desires. You would be surprised at how easy this little tip can help. After all, honesty is the best policy. 🙂

5. Are You Sure You are Ready for a Serious Relationship?

The human heart is a battlefield, as several desires fight for the right to come to the forefront of the soul. Different pieces of you want the lime light.

Part of you wants to be independent, yet the other wants the beauty of interdependence. If you are not in full alignment with sharing your time with another person, then be honest and try to develop a way of working through this together. Deal with the issue as teammates so you both aren’t fighting each other, but together.

Okay, that sums of my mini list for the time being, and trust me I know there are many more reasons why needy people show up, but the ones I listed seem to be the most common I see, especially while Coaching Singles and Dating.

Just remember there is always a solution if you are willing to look for it.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong with being needy, one must simply find a way to have their desires fulfilled in a healthy manner. And someone replying to your texts instantly may not be the answer. Just sayin’!

 To get access to a free interactive E-Book click here.

To visit my website click here.

Thank you for your time and have a nice day!